Depression, anxiety, and autoimmune symptoms after birth is not how it's supposed to be. There is a much better way, and I'm here to show you how to do just that. Hey, my friend, I'm Maranda Bower, a mother to four kids and a biology student turned scientist obsessed with changing the world through postpartum care. Join us as we talk to mothers and the providers who serve them and getting evidence-based information that actually supports the mind, body, and soul in the years after birth.
Hello, welcome everyone to another episode of the Postpartum University podcast.
I'm your host, Maranda Bower, and today we are diving into the topic that is often discussed but not clearly understood, and the question today is are you doing self-care or aftercare? Seriously, this is not just a postpartum kind of episode.
This is real-life stuff. It came up in conversation over the holiday break when I was talking with my family and friends and we were kind of sitting around and it really became very apparent how often we are in this go, go, go kind of space until we crash and then we do what we call self-care.
But I'm telling you that is not self-care. How many times do we do quote, unquote, self-care as a means to cover up the pain, frustration, and exhaustion that we are doing on the regular?
How often are we going and going and going until we drop and then do some sort of self-care technique?
That, my friend, is not self-care and, as a matter of fact, I believe it's the very thing that has given self-care such a bad name.
Not only do we often feel guilty for it, we do it because we feel forced to, and maybe that's why we feel guilty in the first place.
We're going to dive into this and understand this distinction between self-care and aftercare in today's episode and really how crucial these are for our well-being and, of course, how they are done. Well, okay, so first things first.
What is Self-Care?
Let's talk about self-care.
Traditionally, self-care is a big buzzword in wellness circles. It involves intentional actions and practices that promote physical, mental, and emotional well-being, and for new moms, self-care might mean stealing a few moments for a warm bath, practicing mindfulness, or getting some extra sleep.
Self-care is about nurturing yourself in various ways, and recognizing that you deserve time and attention too. And guess what? This is all so necessary, so necessary, and we lack so much of this because we lack so much support.
How do we get the self-care we need when we have so much to do and kids to look after?
The only way to get this done these days seems to be to leave the kids with someone else and leave the responsibilities with someone else, which makes you feel even more guilty because they are your responsibility and you weren't able to do it all, and so therefore, you failed, and really no one is going to do it better than you anyway, and I know you are getting a front row seat into my own personal brain here, and I know that I'm not the only one with these thoughts.
I've worked with so many moms over the last 14 years to know how much self-care often feels like punishment, like a burden, and I'm going to be the bearer of great news for you. Big sigh of relief here. This isn't self-care. What you are doing is called aftercare.
The Difference Between Self-Care and Aftercare
Okay, so let me explain. Aftercare is not a term that's commonly used in the context of postpartum. The aftercare goes beyond this general sense of self-care. It's about acknowledging the specific needs and challenges that arise after giving birth.
Aftercare recognizes that the postpartum period is a unique face and that it requires tailored attention to physical recovery, emotional well-being, and the adjustments that come with new motherhood to expand beyond postpartum.
It's the care you receive after a surgery, after an illness, or here's a kicker after you crash and burn from running yourself into the ground.
Aftercare is what most people are familiar with. It's the thing you do when you're burnt out, when you are in desperate need of a break when you have done enough, when you've had enough.
It's also what society does when you hear about dieting or doing another cleanse. It's just about any other temporary means of taking care of oneself.
It's temporary.
Aftercare is temporary. That's why it's so much different than self-care. I'm willing to bet this is what you've been doing your entire life.
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Now let's talk about what self-care means.
- It's interwoven into your daily life.
- It's a part of your lifestyle. It is a lifestyle.
- It's planning ahead.
- It's healthy meals.
- It's setting up your support systems so you don't crash.
- It's saying no to the things that don't fill you up or feel exhausting to you or depleting.
- It's speaking up when someone hurts you.
- It's constantly checking in with your body throughout the day and giving it what it needs-- a glass of water, some protein, a bathroom break, time to sit with your eyes closed, or time to engage in a craft project or something that makes you feel alive.
- It's not about adding more tasks to your to-do list, but about redefining your approach to well-being in a way that meets the unique demands of the postpartum journey or whatever phase you're going through in life.
- It's something you come back to often and assess.
I do this every single week in my life.
Questions to Ask Yourself to Structure Your Self-Care
- What do I need to do this week?
- Am I feeling supported?
- What are my biggest challenges?
- How can I address them sometimes creatively?
- What conversations need to be had?
- What is on my list that's most important and what do I need to say no to?
- How do I delegate if I need to?
Every single Sunday, I am doing this, and not only do I do this in particular, I also set myself up with a small list of things that need to be done during the week.
I have a meeting with my husband. We go over what we need to do for this week, how I need his help and support how he needs my help and support what we need to do for the kids.
I also set out all of my meals what do I need? I am not a big, huge meal prepping on Sunday. That's not what I do. I don't have time to do a lot of chopping up veggies and all of the things.
I like to do the Instant Pot and the Crock Pot. All I do is set out any of the meat that we need for the week.
I have a list, a six-week menu that we follow for the fall and for winter. I have one for also spring and summer, but it's a six-week meal plan.
All I do is rotate, look at the menu and see, okay, what meat items need to be pulled out of the freezer or what do we need from the store to accommodate this.
Then I go online and after I set out all of my meat that we have I go online and I do our shopping as well for the order and we pick it up on Monday.
It's that easy and all of my week is prepped and planned in advance.
I don't have to do anything else because we know what it is we need.
That frees up my time to be more in the moment during the day, to take care of my needs during the day, to focus on getting the nutrients that I need, to be able to drink a glass of water, to be able to run around with the kids and have fun, but also give myself time to take a break to go use the restroom.
How many of us have held it for so long that we've forgotten that we've needed to go because we are too busy to pay attention to our own bodies?
I see that so often and I've experienced it too, which is why I'm telling you about all of this.
I'm telling you about what I do in my life, and there's always room for improvement, which is why I sit down on Sunday and I hash out those details.
I look at okay, what is it that I'm needing?
Sometimes that means that I need to hire a cleaner. Sometimes it's just one time and sometimes it's for months, because that's the season I am in.
That's the support that I need. There was a season where I needed help for over a solid year. Now that's not the season. I don't have house cleaners coming in. I think it would be amazing, but that's just not a necessity for me, and I sometimes enjoy cleaning my house. I know I'm an oddball sometimes, but that's the thing I'm paying attention to, what I love, what brings me joy, and I'm filling my cup with more of that throughout, every single day.
I have time to journal twice a day, morning and night.
I have time in the evenings to be with myself and I often fall asleep early because I have given myself so much during the day that I don't feel like I have had nothing in my day to myself and that my day was given to my children and my family and whoever required me, then stay up way too late because I didn't get the self-care that I needed, and then feel exhausted and burnt out and in a cycle of this continuing throughout my days and my weeks until the weekend comes and maybe I'll get to take a nap.
That's not how it works, not most of the time.
Sometimes it is, especially when there are sick kids or a big situation comes up or a big family meeting or something comes up, and it does. It always does.
But because I've given myself that self-care throughout my life, throughout my day, I can apply the aftercare and heal even faster, recover faster, and be on the mend faster so I can get back to the beauty that is my day.
So ask yourself are you doing self-care or aftercare? Understand the difference.
That in itself can be a game changer in how you approach your well-being. Set yourself up, set up systems in place, and have your own Sunday, and maybe it's not Sunday, maybe it's Tuesday. Whatever it is for you that works in your life.
Set yourself up so that you can start making those incremental changes, so that you can start making assessments and saying, okay, wait, this is not working for me. I don't think I'm going to do that anymore. Or you know I really enjoy this. How can I bring more of it into my life?
This is a game changer, and remember that self-care is about weaving those nurturing moments into your everyday life, making them a constant part of your routine.
Aftercare, on the other hand, is the intensive care you provide when you reach a point of exhaustion or when you're in a point of a major shift, like postpartum, like a surgery, like an illness. Both are very, very essential, but balance is key.
I am so, so hopeful that this was helpful for you today, and that this resonates with you and, if it does, please let us know, leave us a review.
Those are so helpful for not only letting us know how we're doing on this podcast but also helping us reach more people.
The more reviews we have, the more people get to see this and who knows whose life you're going to change in that process because you decided to leave a review. I am so, so grateful for you.
Thank you so much for being here and I can't wait to hear all of your thoughts on this episode and how it's changing your life. For you. Until next time, take care.
I am so grateful you turned into the Postpartum University podcast. We hope you enjoyed this episode enough to leave us a quick review and, more importantly, I hope more than ever that you take what you've learned here, apply it to your own life, and consider joining us in the Postpartum University membership. It's a private space where mothers and providers learn the real truth and the real tools needed to heal in the years to come and the real tools needed to heal in the years Postpartum. You can learn more at www.postpartumu. That's the letter U.com. We'll see you next week.