We all get it: postpartum and the years after having a baby is no walk in the park. But you know what? It isn't just about depression or anxiety either.
Hey, my friend, I'm Maranda Bower, a homesteading mama with four wild kids. My life passion and education is all about supporting mothers and providers, understanding the science, the art, and the sacredness of healing after birth. What we know as common sense in the postpartum years has many women feeling just plain awful. It's time to bring back the truth, get you the tools you need to heal, and thrive in motherhood and beyond.
Welcome, my friends. Today's episode is certainly not a light topic. This is probably one of the hardest episodes we will ever have here on this podcast. But it needs to be shared. This topic, and everything I'm going to be sharing with you, should be information that is readily available to you. And unfortunately, there's this tendency for miscarriage to be thrown under the rug, to be brushed off, minimized, trivialized, compartmentalized, and simply unspoken of. We're going to end that right now.
So, this episode isn't just for people who've experienced a miscarriage. It's also for people who know nothing about loss. It's for people who don't know what to do or say, who feel they are going to say the wrong thing. The people who want to be supportive to their sister, their friend, their partner, but they're afraid to mess it up or say something wrong. This is really for everyone. So listen in, share this podcast episode, and let's truly begin to change the stigmas and misinformation around this topic. That starts by sharing this, that starts by having these difficult conversations. Really, it starts with you listening to this, whether for knowledge or for comfort in your own experiences. We are the change.
I first want to say that if you are one of the many, many women who have experienced a miscarriage or any sort of child loss, no matter the stage of pregnancy, my deepest sympathies and condolences to you. The chances are you've experienced this. Over 20% of all pregnancies end in loss. That's one in five women who are pregnant will experience the loss of their baby. That's an incredibly large ratio. That's statistically significant. Yet this conversation is taboo. It's not something anyone talks about. Women will hide their pregnancies until it's "viable." This means that people are actually not sharing their blessing, whether planned or not, because they are avoiding the potential conversation of loss. Because the idea of having to announce a loss sounds horrifying.
The generational trauma alone around this that women hold hits us to the bone. History, or "her story" as I like to call it, shows that women who experienced miscarriage were deemed inadequate. We were cast to the streets as invalid. That if we weren't able to produce a child, that something was madly wrong with us, and therefore we are nothing. That's history, or "her story." And one of the reasons I strongly feel that miscarriage, even the conversation alone, is so difficult is because we are feeling the pain of women before us. We are deeply connected to our generational line. It's embedded into our very bones, our DNA. This is actual science. And when it happens, we feel the pain of our own loss, but not the loss and grievances of just ourselves, but the loss and grievances from the women before us, from our mothers, our grandmothers, our sisters, our aunts, and the many greats down the line.
I will say that doing this episode alone is incredibly challenging in itself. Not because it's a hard conversation. Right, it is. I'm known as the womb whisperer or a medical medium for female health. But more than that, this conversation needs to happen, and we have to also include the wide range of experiences that miscarriage and loss has. And in no way do I want to tell you how you should feel, or that this is the way it works. Quite simply, because there's no right or wrong way. There's no "what can you expect to feel in miscarriage" guidebook. That doesn't exist.
Here's an example on the physical level: the length of your pregnancy before miscarriage only slightly matters. One could lose a baby at eight weeks old and experience true active labor in every sense of the word. And then another mom may experience loss at 14 weeks and suffer only like mild cramping, blood loss, and other symptoms. But they're mild. Some may experience their milk coming in, some may experience a full-blown postpartum phase, complete with night sweats and hair loss, and so on. Some say to expect labor. Some say it'll be just like a heavy period, which I think we need to be careful with this term because it can dismiss miscarriage and loss and downright trivialize it.
And then there's the emotional side of this: the pain, the anguish, fear, despair, grieving. And then on the other side, love, relief, peace. And although all of these can be felt simultaneously, sometimes some people will feel more of one than the other. Some might not even recognize it as a big deal and don't feel the need to mourn. And that is perfectly normal and okay. Don't let anyone tell you that you're a bad person because you don't have to mourn. And for those of you that feel you need to mourn and feel all the feels over a short or even a long period of time where you can't function in this world like you've just lost your best friend, that's completely normal too. And don't let anyone tell you that, you know, "thankfully it was a short pregnancy," or "God has a purpose," or "glad it happened sooner to you than later." Right, unless that brings you comfort. Cool. If it doesn't, say something. Anything. Refer to this podcast show and have them listen in.
Grief needs your utmost gentleness with yourself. You simply have no idea how much pain and grief you are mourning for the women before you on top of your own experience. And also, however you express your grief or your emotions is 1000% valid.
It's real. It's valid. It doesn't matter how old your baby was. By the way, you become a mother the moment you find out you're pregnant, right? And let's dive into this for a second.
It can be felt on a multitude of levels, this grief and pain and sorrow. It tends to come in waves. You may need to take extensive time off to work through and process this, which I get. In the US, it's not always doable for many as we live in a world that doesn't support mothers. This is just another great example of what needs to change. But I'm going to get really sidetracked if we dive into that. I want you to know that however you felt in this process of grieving, it is 1000% valid. It's critical that you get this time if you need it. Grief, sorrow, anger, and a host of other emotions need to be felt and processed fully.
When they don't, they get stored in the body and manifest themselves as health issues later on in life. For example, I had a client, and I work with a lot of women who've experienced miscarriage, a lot of women. I'm going to tell you this one particular story because I feel it paints the picture so well of what it means to have this stored in the body. My client, a few years back, came to me with type two diabetes. She had a host of mental health issues: depression, anxiety. She had a lot of belly fat that she felt she just could not get rid of. When we dove deeper, she discovered that she was still carrying her baby that she lost, figuratively. She was carrying the weight of her 20-week old, and it was making her so sick, the emotional baggage of that. This was something that happened to her 10 years ago; she had no connection to this event and her current health. She never saw that connection. So, when we finally discovered this within her and she allowed herself to grieve and feel the world of emotion, no matter how intense that was, she began to get well again. She lost over 30 pounds in a matter of months and eventually was off every single medication she had. She no longer struggled with mental health or diabetes, simply because she opened the gateway to allow the feelings and emotions to flood out of her, rather than being stored away in the body or pushed under the rug or dismissed.
It doesn't ever go away. It simply transforms into something that feels bigger and more intense years down the road. And really quickly, this isn't some Woo-type belief here. This is actual real scientific accounts of the effect of trauma and intense emotion on the body. If you're interested more in this, you can look into psychosomatics and psychoneuroimmunology. That's a great place to start. In other words, grief, if one feels this, is very real. And it can come in times when you least expect it, like when you see a friend pregnant, when you go to the bathroom and you wipe and remember the blood that you first saw. The first period after when your baby's birth or lost date comes, when you're pregnant again, right? 30 years later, during your menopause, you may remember. It shows up when you're unable to connect with your baby in your next pregnancy and postpartum because you're afraid to lose them. It shows up in not wanting sex or intimacy from your partner because you're afraid of what that could lead to in terms of loss. So, simply allow yourself to feel the emotion. Don't think that you didn't heal enough or that you have failed at releasing the trauma or anything other than what it truly is. If this comes back to you, if you feel this over and over again, this is simply an opportunity to remember your baby. And it's simply an opportunity to heal at a deeper level.
I will tell you that grief is often masked as postpartum depression. You can absolutely get postpartum depression at any stage of miscarriage or loss. What I see in my work, however, is that most of the time, this is not the case. Most women, not all, are experiencing the ongoing effects of grief and not being adequately supported emotionally, physically, or mentally. And for many women, even spiritually. We don't get time off to process. We don't get sleep. We don't eat well. We don't have a support system in place. Our partners are mourning too, or our partners, friends, and family are clueless on how to respond or support you in such a time of loss. And for that, those things lead to what looks like depression. Depression is simply a rational response to being overly stressed with no support.
So, let's take a second to talk about support when you miscarry or experience loss. It's often surprising how little support or even acknowledgment you receive. Society doesn't know how to support you. They don't always understand; again, this is a taboo topic. And partners often feel grief too, and they don't always know how to process that, or they don't want to bring it up and fear that it'll hurt you more.
Not everyone will understand your level of pain. They don't really need to understand it, but they should know the depths and how to support you in it. And the best way in which to do this is to communicate it. Say, "I'm okay with this. It hurts, but truly, I'm all right." Or, "This is incredibly painful. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel so much anguish and fear and anger. I need so much support. I need time off. I need to sleep for a whole week." Whatever it is, or simply, "I need support and I have no idea what I need, but I need something."
If you know someone who's experiencing a miscarriage or has experienced one, please remember that it doesn't matter where they were in their pregnancy when the loss happened. It doesn't matter if you thought their political or human rights choices would line up with not having to experience the pain of loss. I've seen that many times. The best thing that you can do is ask them, "How are you? No, really, how are you? I want to know. Tell me everything you're feeling right now, if you're comfortable, or tell me how I can support you." Those are the words that you would use for them. Tell me all about it. I want to hear how you are.
Make them meals. Ask them if they need help making doctor appointments or funeral arrangements or memorial preparations. Call them two days, two weeks, two months down the road, and ask them again, right? It's what do you need? It's never "let me know what you need" because they always need something. They need you. When you say, "Well, let me know if you ever want to talk about it." What you're saying is right now is not a good time, but if you ever want to have the conversation in the future, that would be great. Those who have experienced a miscarriage rarely ever initiate the first steps to open up that conversation. Acknowledge what she's experiencing. Lend your hand and your ear and truly listen to her story. You may hear it a hundred times, but every single time she tells it is another layer of healing for her.
Mama, if you've experienced this loss, it's so important that you find the support that you need to heal. If you can't find it in your circle or sphere, create it. Seek counseling. Find a bereavement doula who can help you with the actual birth of your baby in the memorializing process and so much more. Please recognize that you are not alone in this journey, that not only are there millions of women before you, there are also hundreds of thousands of silent women beside you. The number is not an exaggeration, and a miscarriage is not your fault. It's not your responsibility for whatever happened. But you do have the responsibility to heal. You may be angry at your body, or feel it's betrayed you, it hasn't. Feel it, let it go, don't betray your body because you falsely believe that it's betrayed you. Love it more because it knows the pains of loss. And truly treat this like you would treat a difficult postpartum period. Rest, sleep, nourishment, support, no responsibility unless you want it. Verbalize your needs.
I recognize that I am not able to fit everything about miscarriage and loss into this episode. That feels incredibly impossible, and having this conversation once does not mean that we're all good. There's so much more conversation to be had here, more experiences that need to be shared, more options that need to be given, and more normalizing that this is a reality of child-rearing. Women are the vessels of life, which also means they sometimes have to carry the burden of death. There is nothing more beautiful and somber simultaneously than that one.
Thanks for tuning in and taking the time to learn about how to support your body in deep healing. We don't do this work just for us or for you. Your healing impacts your children, your relationships, and your community. We do this work because the health and vibrancy of our world begin with its mothers. I hope you have taken some valuable information today and applied it to your own life. If you aren't sure where to begin, reach out about working together one-on-one or at a minimum, learn about my postpartum nutrition plan, which is where I start every single one of my clients. And you can do that by going to MarandaBower.com. Hope you enjoyed this episode. Let us know by leaving a review, and we will see you next time.