Postpartum University® Podcast

Defining Boundaries: The Key to Sanity in Motherhood EP 189

• Maranda Bower, Postpartum Nutrition Specialist

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"Saying 'no' to things that drain your energy is saying 'yes' to your well-being. And remember; NO ....is a complete sentence."

Alright, providers—let’s talk about something we all know moms desperately need but rarely prioritize: boundaries. If you’re a postpartum provider or professional, this episode is your go-to guide for helping mothers reclaim their energy and well-being by setting boundaries that actually work. 

Setting limits around time, rest, and even family relationships isn’t just a nice-to-have; it’s the key to preventing postpartum burnout, resentment, and that constant sense of depletion. This episode digs into the practical side of boundary setting—from the “how” to the “why”—so you can give your clients the real-life tools they need to sustain their energy and mental health in motherhood.

Check out this episode on the blog:
https://postpartumu.com/defining-boundaries-the-key-to-sanity-in-motherhood-ep-189


KEY TIME STAMPS:
00:02: Introducing the necessity of boundaries in postpartum health
1:02: Why boundaries are essential for postpartum recovery
2:16: Defining boundaries for moms and why they matter
6:52: Identifying areas where boundaries are most needed
8:49: Teaching moms to say no without guilt
10:16: Communicating boundaries clearly and effectively
13:44: Making rest a non-negotiable part of postpartum care
14:42: Setting boundaries with kids for personal space and mental health
18:17: Integrating midday quiet time as a boundary for self-care 

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Speaker 1:

Depression, anxiety and autoimmune symptoms after birth is not how it's supposed to be. There is a much better way, and I'm here to show you how to do just that. Hey, my friend, I'm Miranda Bauer, a mother to four kids and a biology student turned scientist obsessed with changing the world through postpartum care. Join us as we talk to mothers and the providers who serve them and getting evidence-based information that actually supports the mind, body and soul in the years after birth. Hey everyone, welcome back to the Postpartum University Podcast. I'm Miranda Bauer, your host, and today we're diving into a topic that is so critical for everyone out there, especially moms, and that's defining boundaries. If you've ever found yourself feeling overwhelmed or overworked, or simply drained to the core, this episode is for you.

Speaker 1:

Motherhood is an incredible journey. Let's be honest here. It's also incredibly demanding, whether it's jungling, family or work or the endless list of responsibilities that come with running a household. We often find ourselves at the bottom of our own to-do list, and I'm raising my hand here because this is just the way it is until we learn something different. The truth is, we cannot pour from an empty cup. I know so cliche, but hear me out. Boundaries are the way we protect our energy, our time and, most importantly, our well-being. So in today's episode, we're going to explore what boundaries really mean, why they are so important and how we can set them in a way that not only preserves our sanity but also allows us to show up as the best versions of ourselves, so that you can be with your family in the way that you want to show up. So grab a cup of tea, settle in and let's talk about the key to keeping your sanity and motherhood Boundaries.

Speaker 1:

Okay. So first let's talk about what boundaries really are, because I see so often we get this totally wrong because, hey, we don't have people in our life showing us good, healthy boundaries. It's a learned skill and that's where we're dropping into this episode right here. So boundaries are limits that we set for ourselves and others to protect our mental, emotional and physical health. They are guidelines for what we are willing to accept in terms of behavior or time commitments and energy expenditure. So when we think about boundaries, it often links in some way or something to what we set with other people, like saying no to an invite or limiting how much time we spend at a family gathering.

Speaker 1:

But the truth is, boundaries also need to be set with ourselves. How many of us say yes to everyone else but consistently put out our own needs on the back burner, like they just don't matter? You're constantly putting your family first, your children first, and that's really important, but at the same time, you put yourself off to the side, and in motherhood, boundaries are really really tricky just because of this. Because we have these newborns, we have these babies, we have these toddlers and these young children who are demanding so much of our needs and so much of our time. I mean, how often do we actually just get to sit right Because somebody always needs something and we're taught that being a good mom means giving everything we have. But that's not sustainable. Boundaries aren't being selfish. They're about creating the space that you need to thrive, because when you're at your best, your family benefits from that.

Speaker 1:

So why are boundaries so important for moms? Simply put, motherhood is demanding emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, and without boundaries we're risking burnout, resentment, losing our sense of self, and I know firsthand how easy it is to put everyone else's needs ahead of your own. You want to be there for your kids, you want to be there for your partner, your friends, your job, but if you're constantly stretching yourself thin, you're going to break. So setting boundaries helps you avoid that breaking point, and they also allow you to reclaim time for yourself, which is absolutely crucial for maintaining your mental health and your emotional wellbeing. When you have healthy boundaries in place, you can rest, recharge and show up as the mom you want to be and, beyond that, the woman that you want to be, the partner that you want to be, the human being that you want to be, rather than showing up as someone who is exhausted, frazzled and on edge. And let's not forget, boundaries teach our children valuable lessons too. So when your kids see you respecting your own needs, they learn that it's okay to do the same. They learn that it's healthy to prioritize themselves and their self-care isn't selfish.

Speaker 1:

I can tell you, I have three girls and this is so essential for them to drop into themselves, trust their instincts, trust their intuition, develop those at a young age and then be able to communicate effectively what they're feeling, what they're needing, and lay a boundary. I don't like this, or this doesn't feel good for my body right now, or I'm just I'm not sure about this. I think I need time and that language is permission for them to use, and I will tell you what. Raising strong-willed children is no easy feat. Okay, I totally get it. Teaching our kids these boundaries is absolute necessary, but I will tell you, it's a little tricky in the beginning and as they grow, I know it's going to benefit them immensely, rather than working against us. Okay, so how to define your boundaries and motherhood? Okay, let's talk about this.

Speaker 1:

To set boundaries, you first need to identify what you need, and this may seem obvious, but as moms, we often lose touch with our own needs because we're so focused on everyone else. And then we come to, maybe Instagram or Pinterest and we're like, okay, that looks good, and that looks good. And oh, of course, I'm missing this in my life. And so we're taking in everything else that everybody else has said was something that we need, that sounded maybe good in the moment, and we get really confused because we no longer know who we are, what we like, what we want, what feels good for us. And then we're taking in all of this you know, external stimulus and it's exhausting, it's depleting and very, very, very confusing. So sometimes it's just a matter of taking time to reflect on areas in your life where you're feeling the most overwhelmed or resentful. These are usually the clues that boundaries are needed.

Speaker 1:

So ask yourself where are you feeling overextended? What are you doing out of obligation rather than desire? Want that you love something? When do you feel most drained or anxious, and when do you carve out time for yourself? And what do you do during that time? I'm going to tell you lattes at Target while you're browsing might feel good in the moment, but it's not rejuvenating. It's not getting to that core need that you so desperately need, so desperately need. So once you have these answers, you'll have a really clear picture of what boundaries need to be established. And here's the first thing. After you do this. Okay.

Speaker 1:

So step two learn to say no without guilt. I know this is like the toughest one out there. This is like the toughest one out there learning to say no but it's one of the hardest things for moms to do and simultaneously the most powerful. You do not have to say yes to every PTA meeting, every play date or every request from a friend. You have permission to say no, and let me say this clearly no is a complete sentence. You don't have to explain or justify your decision when you say no to things that don't align with your priorities or drain your energy. You're saying yes to your wellbeing, and the more you practice saying no, the easier it gets. Start small, but remember it's a muscle that you're building. So look at all of the things that you all, the questions that you asked yourself, all the things that are in your calendar, all the things that are in your to-do list and say is this really what I want? Is this really where I want to show up and give my time, my energy, my resources? And if the answer is no, get rid of it or delegate it. Find somebody else who can do it. Okay, and this is where step three comes in Communicate your boundaries clearly.

Speaker 1:

So, once you've identified your boundaries, we got to tell the world, we got to communicate them, and we have to do so clearly. So, once you've identified your boundaries, we got to tell the world, we got to communicate them, and we have to do so clearly. So, whether it's telling your partner that you need an hour alone each day to recharge, or explaining to a family member that you can't take on the extra responsibility of watching their kids right now, clear communication is very key. You can be direct and kind at the same time, right, use I statements to express your needs without sounding accusatory, for example, saying you never help with the kids. Try, I need help with bedtime so that I can have time to unwind. I deserve that, and it's really important to frame your boundaries as what you need to be your best, not as a critique to the other person.

Speaker 1:

I see this very, very frequently when we're talking to our spouses or whatever the case may be. I see it pop up all the time because really, those you know again, those resentments, those frustrations, those times when we are feeling overwhelmed, are often the times where we're needing the most support and we're needing to lay down the most boundaries. But in the very beginning it often feels like a complaint to somebody else. Right, I shouldn't have to tell you to do the dishes or help clean up. You see the mess, right? Whatever the case may be like, that frustration that comes out is really the stepping stone of a boundary that needs to be put in place, right? So, hey, when you see this, this is what I need from you to feel like I'm being supported and to get that peace that I really need in order to thrive during my day. Hey, I'm gonna be 100% straight with you the postpartum world is changing right now and I know you feel it. It's in the politics, our community spaces.

Speaker 1:

There is an urgent need to implement a different approach to postpartum health. If you're an alternative provider or postpartum advocate, you need to be with us in the Postpartum University. Pro Membership Get the method, the tools, the handouts, the advanced trainings and so much more to not only help your clients and your business grow, but to help you grow too. Marketwatch says that the afterbirth services and nutrition and support is set for extraordinary growth by 2030. Don't miss your opportunity to help women and families who desperately need your holistic support. Go to wwwpostpartumucom. Slash membership. We're accepting registrations right now and we can't wait to see you there.

Speaker 1:

Okay, and here's step five Prioritize rest and rejuvenation. And I'm telling you, this is the one where people always bypass. Okay, because we've got. Okay, we've got the boundaries down, we're putting some things in place and then you know we're going to fill it up with other things that take up our time that we really really like and that might be really great, but what we're doing is we're skipping one of the most important pieces to this and the most critical boundary is to set time around rest.

Speaker 1:

We live in a culture that glorifies busyness, but as moms, we have to prioritize rest more than ever. So make sure you're getting enough sleep, not scrolling on your phone or binging Netflix late into the night. I am saying these things because I am guilty of them myself, right? So set boundaries around your evening routine to ensure that you're allowing your body and mind to charge. And if you don't make rest a priority, you're going to burn out, even if you put all of the boundaries in place, right, the burnout isn't just being tired. It impacts your mood, your relationships and your ability to care for your family. So make rest sacred. Protect it like it's the most precious resource, because, as a mom, it absolutely is. And I'm gonna tell you another thing here Put boundaries on your children.

Speaker 1:

It is okay to say no. It is okay to say this bathroom is my quiet space. If you've got toddlers who are constantly following you into the bathroom demanding your attention, or whatever the case may be, it is perfectly acceptable to say no in the most gentle, loving way. This is my space, this is my time, and when I close this door, I need to have quiet. You can contact me if it's an emergency. An emergency means that you're throwing up or you're bleeding, and if those two things are not happening, please don't come bug mommy in the bathroom Like that's a perfectly acceptable thing, right? Our partners never have to deal with this. Our children are just fine Not running over to dad while he's using the toilet, screaming and banging at the door. We do not need to feel guilty about saying no to our children for this and a couple of other things too.

Speaker 1:

I make sure that I set up easy snacks for my kids so when they come say, mommy, I need a snack and it's an appropriate time for them to get a snack, then it is totally acceptable for them to go grab their own. I'm not having to get up from my seat to make that happen. Same with providing a stool so that they can get their own art supplies or their cup of water or whatever the case to be. They need right Like to be independent children, and that puts a boundary in place. That doesn't mean that mommy's not there to help them get something off a high shelf or whatever the case may be. I am always here and always open and available, but I want my children to try first and become independent of mommy.

Speaker 1:

In the beginning, obviously, when we're talking about infants and babies, this is definitely not the case, right. But as they get older, like, these are really key components, and this is, these are the things that we look forward to in a way, right the the bittersweet moments when, all of a sudden, our, our kid can wipe their own bum Like that's a huge deal, right. Like they can go to the bathroom and not use a diaper anymore Bingo. When they're wiping their own bum really good Bingo. Right. When they're able to put themselves in their car seat and buckle up or unbuckle when it's time to get out Like that's huge. Those are big, independent moments, not just for our children, right. That signals that they're getting bigger and they're growing and they're doing all these things. But it's also a bittersweet moment of our, our babies growing and that we're getting our independence back, right, like we are, as moms, not having to put forth so much effort, we're not having to get up from our seat every single moment we sit down to attend to somebody, because we've put boundaries in place and we've taught our children independence and we've set things up in our lives to help them do those things like provide a stool, or provide a shelf with really amazing snacks in the fridge that they can just go and grab without needing mommy to go do it for them, right? So these are really amazing strategies for you to put those boundaries in place, and I'm telling you they are a game changer.

Speaker 1:

One of my absolute favorite ones is rest time. I don't care if you go to sleep, I have really good nappers. So sometimes my kids do nap, but my older ones they don't. But every single day we've got a quiet time. This is time for you to go read books, chill, relax your nervous system, go do a puzzle, listen to quiet time, music on a headphone or an auditory book or whatever the case may be. Right, I don't care what you do, as long as you're spending some quiet time, relaxing, and that frees me up for this midday quiet time. Sometimes I legit take a nap because I need that, and sometimes I'm giving myself a facial, sometimes I'm reading a book, sometimes I am just relaxing outside on my porch soaking up some sunlight and drinking a cup of tea. It's my time to decompress, because that midday moment, like a lot of women crash during that time, and sometimes that's me, because it's like go, go, go, go go in the mornings and then there's like this crash and sometimes it's just like I need a reset, a mid day reset, before I go into the evening routine of like getting dinner ready and and prepped and kids, sports and all of the things. Right.

Speaker 1:

Put those boundaries in place for yourself and here's a little bonus for you the most effective habits are the ones that are woven into your day. They're not just add-ons to your already busy life. For example, taking a few moments to journal in the morning, squeezing in 10 minutes of yoga before the kids wake up, or setting an alarm to remind you to stop working at 6 pm these are really small actions, but when they're integrated into your routine, you know, five minutes here, 10 minutes there they become, like this, non-negotiable habits that protect your energy and wellbeing. But here's the kicker If you try to, you know habit stack, which is basically lining yourself up, you know in the morning when I wake up, I'm gonna do X, y and Z and this is the order I need to do them in and I'm gonna do it really quickly. And you know, whatever the case may be right, oftentimes that can lead to anxiety in and of itself.

Speaker 1:

Don't try to over stack your day. It's not about adding in tons of additional things. It's about picking one or two things that are going to make the biggest impact for you and then freeing up yourself for all the other crap in your life that doesn't matter, that doesn't feel good, that doesn't feel aligned with, doesn't feel good, that doesn't feel aligned with you, and getting rid of that so that you have open space in your calendar that you don't have to fill, and so, when you come across that open space, have a list ready like oh, I really love to read. Or when was the last time I did a puzzle, right? Or when was the last time that I played with that photography class that I signed up for online, right? Really, get into this idea of what can I play with, what can I create during this time, right? That's key. That's the key. So there you have it.

Speaker 1:

These are my five essential habits, plus a few bonuses that will really help you define and maintain boundaries and motherhood. Boundaries are the key to preserving your sanity and protecting your energy, but they're also a way of showing yourself the love and the care that you deserve. So when you take the time to protect your own well-being. You're not just benefiting yourself, you're benefiting your family as well, and I find that I have to say this repeatedly, not just for others but also for myself, because we're so ingrained in our society to believe otherwise Simply not true. I hope today's episode has given you some clarity on how to implement boundaries that feel really good for you. And remember, boundaries are not selfish, repeat. They're essential for creating a life that feels balanced and fulfilled and, as always, it's about progress, not perfection. You are not going to get it right every time, and that is okay. What's important is that you start setting the limits and making your wellbeing a priority.

Speaker 1:

If you found this episode helpful, I would love, love, love for you to leave a review or share this episode for another mama or provider who could use some boundary setting inspiration. I appreciate you so much for doing so, and your review actually helps other people find us even better. So take a moment if you can leave that review, let us know how you thought about this, how this was helpful for you, and, until next time, take care of yourself. I am so grateful you turned into the Postpartum University podcast. We've hoped you enjoyed this episode enough to leave us a quick review and, more importantly, I hope more than ever that you take what you've learned here, applied it to your own life and consider joining us in the Postpartum University membership. It's a private space where mothers and providers learn the real truth and the real tools needed to heal in the years postpartum. You can learn more at wwwpostpartumucom. We'll see you next week.