Postpartum University® Podcast

Sober Motherhood: Thriving Without Wine in a Culture That Tells You to Drink EP193

• Maranda Bower, Postpartum Nutrition Specialist

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The days of just trying to make it to "wine o'clock" to survive the stress of motherhood are over. There's a better way to thrive as a mom- without alcohol altogether.
 
Today we're diving into an issue that's become so normalized in our society that we hardly question it anymore -  the culture of drinking for moms. It's this joke, this reoccurring meme that says you're a mom, you must need a glass or three of wine to survive. But it is really harmless humor at some times, at some points or and oftentimes, we're brushing aside something that's far more serious. 

So today we're going to explore what this culture narrative comes from, where it comes from, why it's so pervasive and the real impact it has on mothers and what we can do about it as moms, as friends, as providers. So if you're curious about navigating motherhood without the crutch of wine o'clock, you're in the right place.

Check out the episode on the blog:
https://postpartumu.com/sober-motherhood-thriving-without-wine-in-a-culture-that-tells-you-to-drink-ep193/

KEY TIME STAMPS:

2:46 - The origin and rise of the wine mom culture.

6:05 - Historical parallels between cigarette marketing and modern alcohol advertising.

8:00 -Shocking stats: The rise of alcohol use and alcohol abuse in women.

10:41 - The problem with short-term fixes like alcohol.

15:29 - Healthy alternatives: Building support systems and practicing mindfulness.

19:35 - Professional support: Finding the right therapist and addressing nutrition.

23:24 - Health Providers’ role in supporting mothers with substance use concerns.

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Speaker 1:

The postpartum care system is failing, leaving countless mothers struggling with depression, anxiety and autoimmune conditions. I'm Miranda Bauer and I've helped thousands of providers use holistic care practices to heal their clients at the root. Subscribe now and join us in addressing what modern medicine overlooks, so that you can give your clients real, lasting solutions for lifelong well-being. Hey, hey, welcome to the podcast, miranda here. I am hoping you loved the new intro. I am all here for it and I will tell you that had actually taken like over a month to create and record, and there's a new outro too. So stay tuned to the end. But I really, really spent forever with myself, my team on creating this and a way that's just going to really elevate this podcast to the next level. Y'all, we're coming up on 200 episodes really, really quickly, which is absolutely crazy. We are one of the top 200 podcast shows in the entire health and wellness mom space and I'm just so excited for this. I am bringing you so much more. You stay tuned. But first we have an episode to get to.

Speaker 1:

Today we're diving into an issue that's become so normalized in our society that we hardly question it anymore, right, and it's the culture of drinking for moms. It's this joke, this reoccurring meme that says you're a mom, you must need a glass or three of wine to survive. But it is really harmless humor at some times, at some points or and oftentimes, we're brushing aside something that's far more serious. So today we're going to explore what this culture narrative comes from, where it comes from, why it's so pervasive and the real impact it has on mothers and what we can do about it as moms, as friends, as providers. So if you're curious about navigating motherhood without the crutch of wine o'clock, you're in the right place. So the idea of drinking to cope with the struggles of motherhood didn't come out of nowhere. It has a history and understanding. It kind of gives us insights into why it persists. So the term wine mom quote unquote seems to have gained a lot of traction in the last couple of decades.

Speaker 1:

But alcohol as a coping mechanism, as we all know, is nothing new. But I will tell you, in the 50s and 60s, society's answers to women feeling overwhelmed by, you know, domestic life and children, it actually wasn't alcohol, it was tranquilizers Back then, especially like Valium and many others. They were literally marked as mother's little helpers. That's what we said to moms and it was given to moms all the time. My own mother was addicted to Valium for many, many years and I bet many of you can come on here and relate and, especially if you're in the United States, can say the exact same thing.

Speaker 1:

And then in the 90s there was the age of opioid use and then we moved into the 21st century and this narrative shifted and then alcohol has become again, especially wine has become the acceptable quote unquote ways to decompress, and social media has amplified this cultural shift. So we have memes, merchandise, even hashtags, like hashtag mom needs wine and hashtag mom time. They're everywhere. And so for the longest time I even joked with my husband when things were challenging about momhood. I would say, oh my gosh, no wonder God won't let me handle my alcohol well, because I would totally be drinking right now if I could Like. That is the running joke between my husband and I, and I haven't said it in a very long time, but that's something that I used to say all the time, y'all, all the time. It's a joke, right? And I think there is this like funny thing and we need to like just open up and laugh about ourselves and not take things so seriously. But we also need to recognize that sometimes normalization can often mask issues that are far more serious. So I'm going to tell you a little bit about normalization.

Speaker 1:

Back in the 50s, smoking was more than just a personal habit. It was woven into the fabric of American life. Advertisements for cigarettes featured everyone's from. You know doctors and housewives, all claiming smoking had healthy benefits or, at the very least, that it was glamorous to be smoking. And cigarette companies even marketed smoking as a stress reliever for mops. It portrayed it as this quick fix to manage the challenges of daily life. And this normalization wasn't accidental. There was no social media back then, but it was deliberately cultivated by the tobacco industry and it was embedded into everyday media. People saw their role on models, on TV and movies, on billboards, smoking right, and that cemented the habit, acceptance and reinforced the idea of smoking was like this, regular part of normal life.

Speaker 1:

I was actually in a non-toxic mom group really recently and somebody was like oh well, of course it has that California prop 65 of which it's harmful for your body. It's got toxic chemicals, everybody knows that of this prop and it it's a warning label on pretty much everything that's sold in California. And she was like oh, you just can't get away with it. It's just it's going to be on everything and you know what it is on everything. But isn't that the warning in and of itself, like we have this toxic product that will, that disrupts your, your fertility, and because it's everywhere, it's now okay and that's crazy sauce. It's, it's absolutely crazy sauce. And this is exactly what we've done with alcohol.

Speaker 1:

And I want to tell you some statistics here. Studies show that alcohol use among women, particularly mothers, have steadily increased over the last decade. So, between 2001 and 2013, alcohol use disorder among women increased by a shocking 84%. And a 2019 study by CDC, they reported that women are drinking at a much higher level than ever before, exceeding the level of previous generations. And, according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, women are more susceptible to the physical and psychological effects of alcohol, such as liver disease, heart disease and an increased risk of breast cancer. So, beyond these physical risks, I want to talk really quickly about mental health.

Speaker 1:

Alcohol use as a coping mechanism. It's a band-aid fix for deeper issues and oftentimes we have our band-aid fixes. You know, 18 years ago, for me, it was marijuana. That's what I needed to cope with my everyday life, because I never had a person, I never had the family, I never had anyone show me what it meant to cope with things that were really, really freaking hard. And our generation never got that because the previous generation never got that, and so we don't know how to cope with things that are hard. We don't have people in our life showing us how to do that. How do we deal with stress? How do we deal with anxiety? Right, and how do we deal with postpartum depression? Oftentimes, right, a glass of wine might feel like that short-term solution to those daily pressures. Right, and so much more right.

Speaker 1:

Oftentimes we're dealing with other things that are really difficult. We're taking care of sick parents. We're taking care of a generation of children who are sicker than they've ever been in our entire generations before us. Right. They have more autoimmune issues. They have higher rates of obesity, autoimmune disease, asthma, you name it allergies, food allergies, galore. And then we're the ones trying to explore that and trying to manage life with sick children. Golly, it's so hard, right. It's so hard on top of managing ourselves, on top of the things that come with being a mother. So much Okay.

Speaker 1:

No wonder we are here using alcohol and other things to cope with motherhood is because we're not getting what we need and we have zero support skills. We have zero coping mechanisms and beyond that, we have zero healing mechanisms. There's nothing out there. Coping and healing is two different things, radically different things. Right, and oftentimes we turn for those coping mechanisms in the very beginning and then we get stuck with them because we don't know how to go beyond that. And the truth is, when we rely on alcohol, even socially, it can prevent us from dealing with the real issues at hand. It's a temporary numbing effect. It dampens the feelings of overwhelm, but only briefly, and then the anxiety and the stress and the sadness is right back the next day, often amplified because of dehydration and lack of sleep and even guilt.

Speaker 1:

And then the expectation that moms need wine to survive. It subtly devalues motherhood itself. It perpetuates this idea that motherhood is so unbearable, so stressful, that it requires substance to get through it or substances to get through it. And it frames parenting as like this, burden that we need to medicate rather than experience to live fully and authentically. And the last two decades, wine companies have specifically targeted moms with advertising. You see wine brands sponsoring mom's nice outs and even wine glasses marketed with phrases like mommy juice, or because kids and alcohol companies profit off the idea that moms need alcohol to deal with the demand of parenting. So they pour money into marketing campaigns that encourage this stereotype, so that you become cool when you drink. And social media then feeds into these with memes and jokes and videos that normalize drinking to cope. And these jokes might be funny at first, but they can mask this deeper dependence or even an unhealthy relationship with alcohol.

Speaker 1:

And that has a ripple effect on our children too. The message we send to our children when we reach for alcohol to cope can have long lasting impact. Kids notice what we do, and when we see a parent use wine or other substances to cope with stress, they can grow up internalizing those patterns. I did, I did that, I watched that with my mom and I know that she watched that with her mom. It's generational. We see those patterns over time and it may be a different substance, but it's still the same thing.

Speaker 1:

And then there's also the mental health of those mothers to consider too. Alcohol worsens symptoms of anxiety and depression over time, which not only affects her overall health but impacts her ability to be present for her family and when a mom's tired and stressed out and anxious, it's going to be hard. It's going to be hard for everyone. And that often leaves alcohol in the middle of everything and the source of really difficult conversations and even ended marriages and broken relationships. So what's the alternative and how can we cope in a culture that so often promotes unhealthy escapes to their benefit? Right, I mean alcohol companies and cigarette companies and volume companies. They all want you to be able to rely on them. Right and same with antidepressants, same with, you know, all other coping techniques where you have to go out and buy something.

Speaker 1:

So what do we do? How do we make this happen? And the first and foremost is find a support system. I know, I know it sounds so cliche, but it's cliche for a reason. Create a network of supportive friends or family members who get it. Have someone to call or text when you're feeling overwhelmed can make a world of difference. Hello, aa meetings. Aa meetings got really, really popular and are all over the world because they're not trying to profit over anything. They're just there as a support system. It's just people who get it. Non-judgmentally, nobody's going to show up and judge you for your story, because everybody has a story. That's the exact same thing with motherhood. So if we can treat motherhood as if we treat alcohol abuse, we would have such far better support systems. Somebody we can call on who gets it, someone who you can just show up to, you know, for a monthly meeting or a weekly meeting or whatever it is, and just talk about all of the things that are going on in your motherhood world. That makes a huge difference and we know it makes a difference because we see it over and over, and over and over and over again. And things like AA meetings and things like motherhood meetings and things like many, many other meetings that are geared toward things that are hard, okay.

Speaker 1:

Another strategy that I highly recommend is practicing mindfulness and meditation. Okay, and there's so much that we can go into this, but I will tell you that clearing your mind of no thoughts whatsoever, especially for a woman, is exceptionally difficult. That version of meditation and I mentioned it before recently in a podcast episode, but I really believe that this is a male version of meditation right, when men were those hunters and they had to sit in the fields or they had to sit in the trees, very quiet and still for hours on end, they had to calm and still their mind. That is a practice for men and it's often so much more easier. How many times do you ask a man what are you thinking right now? And they're like nothing. And you're like how is that even humanly possible? And, ladies, I don't think that they're lying. I think that thinking nothing is legit a thing, right, for us not so much.

Speaker 1:

Mindfulness and meditation means taking some time to have a beautiful reoccurring thought. And you might be saying, well, how in the world can I input meditation into my daily life? I'm telling you, you already do, just oftentimes in the negative way, right, if you're constantly worried and having anxiety and reoccurring thoughts that have like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that I'm going to have to deal with this and this is so hard and I can't believe it. And I, I just am so frustrated with the situation. And I, you know, in your recurring thought, is that thing that happens over and over and over again, that you're giving yourself guilt and shame.

Speaker 1:

For Meditation is the opposite. Practicing mindfulness is the opposite, where you're doing the exact same thing but for something wonderful and good being grateful, experiencing gratitude. I'm so grateful for my kids. I'm so grateful they are here for me today. I'm so grateful that I have this laundry to do. I'm so grateful for the life that I'm leading, even though it feels like a lot. I'm so grateful for the food in the fridge, right. Whatever it is that you can be grateful for, there is something that you can be grateful for the clothes on your back right. Your partner, your children, whatever the case may be. Find five minutes where you could just really hone in and have that reoccurring thought of how grateful that you are and try and have it turn into a feeling right. Or even focusing on your breath, like I'm going to breathe in and breathe out. The reoccurring thoughts of breathing in and breathing out is very effective, okay, and it's far more effective than reaching for a glass of wine, especially over time.

Speaker 1:

When you learn how to practice mindfulness and meditation and use it to your advantage, you are not only combating the things that are not working for you in terms of the anxiety and maybe even depression or the overwhelm that you're experiencing in your life. You are literally rewiring your brain to do something better, to do something that feels good. Okay, therapy, okay, that could be a part of your support system. Sometimes we have to talk it out. And if there's substance abuse, I'm telling you that is an ultimate way of getting help. Find somebody who can support you, who's an excellent provider at doing what they do, and I will tell you, I have so many women who come to me who tell me I have a provider, I have, I'm in counseling, I'm in therapy and I still need help. This is not it and that is absolutely true. I will tell you that that often is the case and oftentimes, on top of it, you just got to go find a new provider, because if you don't feel supported by your provider, if you feel like you're not getting what you need, there's always other things.

Speaker 1:

Right, we have to focus on nutrition. That is a massive component to this story. We have to understand how our bodies functions. We got to make sure that we're getting enough sleep. Those things are immensely important and no matter how much therapy or sure that we're getting enough sleep, those things are immensely important. And no matter how much therapy or counseling that you're getting, if you're not addressing those root physiological needs and psychological needs, it's never going to happen.

Speaker 1:

But also, seeking the right therapist is going to be that person who's going to help you be seen. They're going to help you, you know. See the hold up a mirror, basically, and say here's what might be transpiring in your life and here's some coping mechanisms and here what are some other things that we can do and they might help. You see what trauma you know you might have and how that's developed in your brain and and how we can start reprogramming your brain. Like those are conversations you should be having in counseling and therapy. It's not just a rehash of your history, which can be really, really difficult, and then you just walk out and call it good, like that's not what we do. That's not gonna be effective. So if you feel like you need more, go find more, okay, because not all counselors and therapists are created equal, go find more, okay, because not all counselors and therapists are created equal, just like not all doctors or dentists or bus drivers right, you know, everybody is so so different, okay.

Speaker 1:

And of course, nourishment. I see that so often, so, so often. And if there is alcohol in your life or in someone's life that you know, then you can guarantee that they're experiencing deficiencies. That's what the alcohol does it depletes us of some really key, key ingredients in our body. Right, it takes a lot of ingredients to make a thriving human being, and those ingredients, such as vitamins and minerals, get depleted when alcohol is in use, especially a lot of alcohol. Okay, and again, we're not talking about a glass of wine. Maybe I didn't say this, so not again. A glass of wine once in a while is totally fine, right, it's okay to decompress once in a while with a glass of wine or enjoy your friends once in a while in that social atmosphere, but continually doing it as a means to escape that's a problem and that's going to wreak havoc on your body. So ensuring that you're addressing those root issues is going to be absolutely key.

Speaker 1:

If you're a provider and you're listening in and you're like okay, how do I navigate this? Because I can guarantee you that many of the moms that you are seeing are experiencing alcoholism. They are in the trap and they don't know how to get out, and we've completely normalized this. And if you're not having the conversation about alcohol or substance abuse, oh my goodness, you're missing out. And I know many of you, who are probably listening in, are like all right, I'm already on it, I'm already doing it, or nope, got it. Like this is a wake-up call, I'm on it Really a lot of times.

Speaker 1:

It's just a matter of having open conversations. It's really about making a safe place for moms to share honestly about their stress and their struggles and their relationship with substances, and not feeling like something dreadful or odd is going to happen in their life if they share that information with you that their babies are gonna be safe, that their children are gonna be safe, they're not gonna be taken from their home or whatever it is, or OCS or whatever it's called, and the local child protective services is gonna be called because of it. That they're going to be safe and that they're gonna be able to find something that can cope. And, of course, that they're going to be safe and that they're going to be able to find something that can cope. And, of course, there's going to be situations that require those things. But really understanding the difference between a mom saying hey, yeah, this is a thing for me and I need help, what do you recommend I do Versus those situations that require those very special phone calls that are really difficult, and not only just having those open conversations but having a plan in place from when a mom says, no, this is an absolute problem, like, what are you gonna do about it and what language are you gonna use? How are you going to show your compassion and your care? What coping mechanisms are you gonna offer? What referrals are you going to show your compassion and your care? What coping mechanisms are you going to offer? What referrals are you going to have in place to make sure that she feels seen and heard? How are you going to follow up with her to make sure that she's getting the support that she needs after a visit with you? This is all very, very crucial.

Speaker 1:

And then, of course, being very mindful of what you joke about. You know, when it comes to to mommy needs, wine jokes and and making sure that you you know, if you do crack a joke to be, you know, kind of offer that open conversation, which is, you know, humor is a is a big plus when it comes to having difficult conversations, but using it as a means to open up conversation rather than just like throwing out a wine joke and again, making sure that you're there ready to provide that resource for them. You know, as providers, I think oftentimes we feel like we have to be the do all and be all, and that's really hard. You can't, you can't be, you know, a savior. You can't be the person who's going to provide everything for everyone, especially because so many moms have such diverse needs. But if you have some tools up in your sleeve, you know of here's what we go through, here's what we want to address and we're reaching that whole body care and this particular way, and you have those resources on hand. That's, that's really what you need.

Speaker 1:

Okay, my thoughts sober motherhood. I would love this to be a form of self-care in and of itself, like a truly radical form of self-care, which I know. Self-care is such a buzzword in today's world, like you hear it and you just want to roll your eyes. But really choosing not to rely on alcohol is a statement that says I value my health, my clarity and my presence with my family and, in the end, finding ways to cope that doesn't involve alcohol can not only change your life, but can serve as a powerful example for your children and your friends and those around you. This is legit, breaking generational trauma.

Speaker 1:

We're changing the narrative, one day at a time, by acknowledging that motherhood doesn't require wine, just a willingness to face our challenges head on and find a better way to live in motherhood, and I think that's a big part of this conversation is that you know the underlying. It's happening because we're feeling so overwhelmed, and we're so overwhelmed because we're not getting the physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, nutritional, hands-on support that we so desperately need. And so how can you add that into your life? How can you make sure that your clients, if you're a provider, are getting that as well? Those are the key conversations that we need to have to get to the root of this issue, otherwise it's just gonna magnetize more issues, it's just going to manifest in different ways, and so, for those of you who are listening, I hope this conversation has sparked some ideas and have given you insight and maybe made you feel a little less alone in this journey. And, if you're a provider, thank you for supporting moms on this path and for helping build a better, healthier, more supportive culture.

Speaker 1:

I hope you have enjoyed this episode. Make sure to hit subscribe for more conversations like this. Thank you for tuning in to Postpartum University and remember, thriving without wine is possible and so worth it. We're here to help. You've got this. Thanks so much for being a part of this crucial conversation. I know you're dedicated to advancing postpartum care and if you're ready to dig deeper, come join us on our newsletter, where I share exclusive insights, resources and the latest tools to help you make a lasting impact on postpartum health. Sign up at postpartumu the letter ucom which is in the show notes, and if you found today's episode valuable, please leave a review to help us reach more providers like you. Together, we're building a future where mothers are fully supported and thriving you.

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Maranda Bower

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